The dog days of summer… Back to school around the corner… The glum feeling that the year is on its way out and you haven’t even got used to writing a new year on your cheques yet (not that we use cheques any more. They have become obsolescent – like galoshes or powdered egg or apostrophe’s).

No wonder you’re feeling a bit fazed about your look right now. You’re on the cusp of the new, but you’re mired in the old – which indicates only one thing. It’s time to Cleanse Thyself! This bit of the year is ideal for a general hose down of your life and style. Just this week, I performed the task – and, my word, I feel a new woman now. In the process I have discovered the following forgotten, even unknown, facts about me and mine.

Jewellery Box: I own forty-two pairs of earrings. Plus sixteen singles which have somehow become divorced from their partners. Am considering promoting new trend for mismatched earrings in hope of getting some use out of them. What think?

Jewellery Box 2: An hour and twenty minutes to unknot three necklaces which cost less than £2.50 each in the first place is not a good use of my time. If it was, I’d be working at Peacocks (where you probably get free necklaces as part of the share package).

Back of Wardrobe: I own six pillows which I have never seen before. How can this be?

Back of Wardrobe 2: Aha! It’s only fifteen single earrings! (see above).

Knicker Drawer: Everything looks so much more alluring when colour co-ordinated, folded and otherwise Benetton’d. I will keep my knicker drawer like this forever.

Knicker Drawer 2: Blow this for a lark. People who keep their pants under regimented control are very odd indeed. Frigid, some might say. Although, it is always nice to have socks in pairs.

Sock Drawer: Fifteen single socks! How can this be?

Make-up Bag: The thing is straining at every seam, and yet I only ever use a swish of Virgin Vie One Step Face Base (in Soft Beige) and a Lancome Juicy Tube lip-gloss. Who, then, owns the rest of this guff? Hands up for the selection of Stila eyeshadows. The No7 mascara, circa 1994? Anyone for an old toothbrush? This reminds me of an ageing relative who once presented my mother with a half-used tube of Anusol, since it had belonged to his dear departed wife and he had no further use for it. My mother declined politely and has dined off the story ever since. Still, Chanel Rouge Hydrabase Lipstick, folks. What am I bid?

Handbag: Holy cow. Do I have to? Actually, it’s handbags plural. I tend to switch from bag to bag – you know, to match my mood or my shoes or the chaise longue where I expect to sit. And so each bag has its own muesli of muck in its guts. More Juicy Tubes. Bits of envelope with important phone numbers scribbled on them - but no name. Coins of the world (chiefly Euros and what might be Prussian pfennigs). Credit cards.

Hmm. Credit cards. This means only one thing. Balls to cleansing! I’m off to shop.

Published You Magazine, August 27 2005